The Asshole Diaries, Chapter 1

by Janelle Hanchett


I am an asshole. Just an average, everyday prick. I piss people off because I am self-absorbed and unaware and pretty much think about myself always, no matter what.

But I am not without compassion. There are, occasionally, some altruistic tugs on my heart strings. For this reason, I have decided to help any budding assholes (huh, that sounded weird) who may be trying to find their way to full dickhead status but just can’t quite make it. You know, struggling. So every now and then, I’m going to write a chapter in my book, entitled, The Asshole Diaries, in which I highlight one aspect of my douche bag repertoire.

And then I’m going to sell it on Amazon for an obscenely cheap price (which will catch your eye) but exorbitant shipping cost (which will make you utter “dick” under your breath). You know, cause that’s how I roll.

So today, let’s talk about parking.

Assholes park in a very particular ways, and they go something like this:

  1. Across two spots, especially if you have one of those lifted 4-door trucks with “Piss on Chevy” sticker on the back. Or Ford. Or whatever it is. Yep. Just go ahead and pull right in sideways. Right across those lines.
  2. If you can’t park sideways across two spots, at LEAST position yourself diagonally so you take up just enough of a second spot to make it physically impossible for even the tiniest car to park next to you. Make sure you do this when the parking lot is full, so everybody gets to drive by and see you taking up two spots, but just barely.
  3. Another winner is to find the dirtiest mini-van or SUV you can, full of car seats and booster seats and kid crap, and park as close to them as you possibly can. I’m talking an INCH or TWO away from it. Just make sure it’s on your passenger side (obviously), so you don’t have any trouble getting out, but the mother has to wrangle her toddler and baby and spastic children into their seats from the other fucking side of the car then crawl her fat ass through the side door across the center console and into her seat. Because she can’t open her door far enough to wedge the said fat ass in.

Because the ASSHOLE parked too close.

YOU CAN be that asshole.

Aim high.

I’m here to help.

Until Chapter 2…

  • Kateri Von Steal


    A LOT.

    Preach Sister Preach!

  • Jennifer

    And if you are driving said Chevy/Ford truck make sure you have a pair of those fake rubber “ball sacks” hanging from your license plate. Because you are such a man you have to have a pair of balls on your truck too.

    • renegademama

      My goodness this was an excellent comment. And true.

  • Melanie

    Bwahaha! Love it! Well, hate it when #3 happens to me. Then I just want to make sure I push my car door into their shiny new truck and leave a little scratch or dent. He he.

    • renegademama

      Absolutely. I always feel the urge, then don’t because I’m afraid they’ll catch me and I’ll have to expose what a weakling I am…

  • Cailin

    Janelle – At least you kept your tirade to a blog post! When Ronan was about two weeks old, I ran into the same asshole. Only I didn’t blog about it. I waited, baby crying, Eadan yelling “mama, let’s go!”. Ya see, I was already deranged from baby hormones and maybe only 14 hours sleep in as many days, and grocery shopping with two kids (horrified this new reality). So I WAITED!

    Actully, I started by writing an angry note on pink Hellow Kitty paper, which, of course left
    me unsatiffied. So I waited.

    When the oblivious woman returned to her car, I yelled at her while she was captive loading groceries in the car. I mean YELLED, the voice cracking, almost in tears, lunatic, kind of yelling. I was so unhinged, I can’t remember what I said but I’m sure Eadan learned a whole new way of “using her words”.

    That’s one of my MOTY moments (Mother Of The Year).

    • Cailin

      Darn! typos!

    • renegademama

      Cailin, I admire you for your “balls” in this situation. I don’t think I have sufficient ones, to tell you the truth. I’m much better at just cursing under my breath then bitching about it on my blog. But you have to tell me. How did the lady respond?

  • Stacey

    If you’re an asshole who deliberately parks across multiple spaces, a photo of your car is probably on my Facebook wall with some colorful comments about you.

    • renegademama

      This is awesome. Made me laugh. I absolutely hate that – you know, those giant lifted trucks that park across spots. BLAH!

  • Marisa

    If possible, I like to park right next to those trucks that take up two spots. Yes, that means I am taking up two spots…sort of. Although I might look like the ass hole if the true ass hole leaves before I get back, I hope I do, this means the ass hole saw my car parked right next to theirs.