Georgia, age 4 (as of August 5), pretty much sees me in two ways:
- I need to be so close to you I’m literally sitting on your face; and
- I’m trying to figure out what exactly your purpose is here.
We all know “terrible twos” was an invention by some prick who never had a 3-year-old, and found it amusing to make new parents think 2 is bad when actually, Dante’s 10th circle of hell is right around the corner.
Age 2 is sipping hot apple cider during a crisp fall evening with big orange leaves crackling at your feet. Age 3 (and 4, evidently) is like getting a bucket of ice water dumped on your head (only not benefiting a nonprofit) and the leaves shoved in your ears by a tiny insane human squealing “I don’t like the orange leaves. I ONLY LIKE THE RED LEAVES!”
And you’re like “but I didn’t make the leaves, sweet angel from heaven.”
And she’s like “I. DON’T. LIKE. THATTTTTTTTT!!”
And screaming and crying and growling and fists and shit and you’re like “This is why nobody likes you.”
But you keep it inside, because you can’t actually say that to a toddler. I mean, out loud. Plus, it’s not true. Everybody in fact likes her a lot since she saves this behavior for you and you alone. And maybe daddy. But mostly you.
And sometimes, when you’re in public.
Like the other day when we went to get Arlo’s birth certificate from the court records place and it had already been decided that Rocket gets to push the button on the elevator (because these are the issues that now concern me, people. This is important stuff here. WE MUST MAKE SURE IT’S FAIR AND EVEN AND RIGHT AND TRUE when it comes to elevator-button-pushing. Fuck my life.) But somehow, even though it was clearly Rocket’s turn (Georgia pushed them on the way up), and sharing and turn-taking have been working parts of our psyches for at least 2 years, suddenly, right now, this shit is INTOLERABLE and the thing to do when Rocket pushes that elusive, gorgeous light-up button is stand in the corner and let out some wails that might shatter the elevator glass, were it not bulletproof.
I ask her “Why are you such a dick?”
No, I don’t. But I really, really want to.
Instead, even though it’s never worked once in the history of motherhood, I attempt reasoning with her (also because this makes me look like a good, conscientiousness mother in front of strangers) “Georgia, you pushed the buttons on the way up. It’s Rocket’s turn now,” but we’ve entered full-toddler-psychosis. It’s no use.
Only thing to do is ignore it. Only way through it is through it. Going on a fucking bear hunt, folks. Somebody save me from these horrid jokes.
I am, after all, in an elevator with a toddler, newborn and 8-year-old. Can’t really sit there and “talk it through” lovingly in a supportive mom voice, exploring complex feelings of displacement (new baby came, very hard on toddlers) and existential toddler angst.
She probably just has to poop.
Or needs a nap (which she abandoned 6 months ago, because clearly if it’s helping her mood we should get rid of it immediately).
Besides, I have no capacity for supportive mom voice at that moment.
So the husband picks her up and puts her over his shoulder and she loses it all the way home.
People look at you wondering why your kid is so terrible, all tantruming-the-fuck-out and you just ignoring her. I feel like that’s excessively unfair because in my experience the only way to get them to stop being assholes is to ignore their asshole tantrums.
Yes, that’s my profound parenting insight.
If you have a better plan, please shove it up your ass.
Sorry. I didn’t mean that. I’m just bitter.
Well maybe I meant it a little.
But seriously, right? I can’t give in to my daughter’s irrationality and so, a tantrum ensues. The only thing that will stop the tantrum is letting her push the button. But if I do that, she’s earning what she wants from the tantrum, and will thereby do it again. And again. And again.
And the next thing you know, she’ll be the woman at the Target checkout line screaming at the pimply faced teenager for not giving the appropriate discount on her Scrubbing Bubbles cleaner. You know, the one we all look at and think “Why didn’t your mom teach you any damn manners?”
So in the interest of the greater good, sometimes you just gotta let them wail and wish you didn’t have kids, and endure the looks of strangers who have either never raised offspring or are better parents than you. Or think they’re better parents than you. There is no doubt that there are many, many better parents than me.
Except at the county fair. I am better than those parents. Just saying.
Anyway, the other day, Mac was changing the screen on one of the windows in the back of the house, nowhere near Georgia’s room, FYI, and she starts screaming and crying that Mac had “ruined the magic secret door to her bedroom.”
Look, kid, you can’t hold us accountable to your paranoid delusions of weird toddler shit. Err, I mean “imagination.”
A few hours later, we were driving along in our vehicle and Georgia asks “What’s that?”
I answer: “A restaurant.”
She asks “Why? Why mama why? Whywhywhy?”
I roll down my window and scream into the night “I can’t live in these conditions!”
But nobody hears my cries.
Leaving the house the other day, she says “I want to bring that stroller!”
But we don’t need that stroller, so I tell her.
So she furrows her brow and wails and screams, because that makes sense.
I tell her “I’ll give you $100 if you stop making that noise,” but she has no appreciation for money.
God help you if you don’t give her the red cup.
Or ask her to leave, anywhere, ever, in a hurry.
Do not, I repeat DO NOT, change your plans in the middle of the day if those plans involved parks, friends or grandmothers.
Right, because plans never change in families of 4 kids and a mother who puts things in her calendar then forgets to look at the calendar.
And if she squeezes the newborn’s face and makes him cry, don’t say anything, because SHE WASN’T HURTING HIM.
And I’m not jumping on the couch, she says, in an up-and-down motion.
“I DO WHAT I WANT!!!!”
Oh, George. You’re driving me fucking batshit.
Next week you start preschool.
I’ll miss you terribly.
Yep, this is it. Motherhood. Age 4.
You know how you “meet” somebody via the interwebz and you know you could be friends? Yeah, that’s what’s happened with Amii and me. At least on my part.
She founded and runs “Up on the Hill,” a seriously awesome store that carries all the things I want to buy my annoying toddlers and babies. No, I mean it. That’s true and real.
Read her words and figure out why I fucking love her and what she’s done: “My husband used to work in the beer and wine industry, and was actually quite well know for his palate when it comes to beer, but was laid off 3 weeks before my due date with baby #2. Despite the stress we had a successful HBAC, and a little bit of savings. After 2 months of unsuccessfully trying to find a new job, we decided to open a business ourselves.
We opened Up On the Hill in October of 2012 and never really looked back. Having a passion for cloth diapers and baby-wearing I jumped into this with no real business background, just 15 years in food service. It’s been quite the learning experience.
We are located in Historic Shepherdstown, WV and also carry children’s clothing and natural toys. We strive to carry items you won’t find in big box stores, and are huge supporters of local and small businesses. I have a 4 year old son, River, and 1 year old daughter, Luna.”
So click this link and buy some shit. We have an “affiliate” arrangement going, so I actually get a little something too when you buy. So help two mamas out. Fuck Walmart. Thank you.
Patricia AgackiSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 10:07
aren’t they beautiful when they are asleep…..
StephanieSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 10:11
Say hello to one four-year-old and two three-year-olds. I can only do so much. And I’ve said this before: I’ve birthed my very own angry mob. Luckily, school starts in 4 days. But who’s counting?
Catherine SSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 10:15
I am experiencing exactly this with my four year old. That dude is an asshole, for real. But he is a cute asshole, so I haven’t sent him to live with his grandparents… yet.
JenWednesday, 27 August, 2014 at 21:43
I seriously call my kid an asshole all the time, and people dont usually appreciate it, but to be fair I say it ouy of ears reach of her.. !!
sSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 10:21
Oh. My. God. Yes! I am right there with you, Mama. 4 year old plus new baby plus big kids equals chaos. Stay strong.
LaraSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 10:28
I have a 3 1/2 year old. I got her a t shirt that says “the rules don’t apply to me”. Because it’s true.
CassiaSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 10:30
This is amazing and you’re amazing.
JoyceSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 10:48
I love you. These are all the things I want to say!
AmandaSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 10:58
Yup. They don’t call them the “fucking fours” for nothing, right?
StevieSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 11:00
This is painfully familiar. I’m so glad I’m not alone. I’m so glad we all have rude little dicks terrorizing our every waking moment. THEY ARE SO FUCKING CUTE, HUH?!
CrystalSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 11:09
Four was by far the worst age ever…until she turned 8…now she’s an asshole with a tad more knowledge, so of course she fucking knows EVERYTHING….DUH! I’m already researching where the nearest “Safe Haven” drop spot is…who cares if she’s 7 1/2 years past the cut-off…
ElainaSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 11:15
While my son can be so amazing, he has plenty of a-hole tendencies. I keep telling my husband he’s completely normal. Reading this totally reinforces it. Kids are sweet, sweet jerks. 🙂
BeckiSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 11:18
I have only read as far as the elevator button pushing issue and had to stop to say thank goodness someone else understands the “have to make sure it’s fair/right/even” game. It generally involves walking to the elevator and doing complex equations in my head with variables like “how many stops do we have left” and “how much will it break my daughter’s heart if I let Mr. Difficult push the button….again”
AnneSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 11:20
Sometimes, I read your blog posts and wonder how you got inside my head and extracted all my thoughts so succinctly.
Thanks for this. I have a sweet baby right now, but I had conveniently forgotten how awful 3 and 4 is. (My other baby is 11, which is a whole other set of problems.) I snuggled the wee one a little bit more and thanked him for not being an irrational shit. I mean, babies are somewhat irrational but NOT ON PURPOSE.
SamSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 11:23
Janelle, I have just discovered your blog, I love the way you write. You really hit the nail on the head and have me laughing out loud…and crying at your honesty. I have 5 kids, eldest 19 and youngest daughter just turned 4, and behaving just like yours too…
JenniferSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 12:03
I DO WHAT I WANT!! All the time. I had to read it to my husband and we were both like- ‘Oh it’s not just ours…’
ShanSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 12:16
Two years ago (maybe exactly two), I spoke with the behavioral specialist at work about Madelyn. Her explanation for my formerly rule-loving, sweet and loving daughter’s switch being flipped? “Forget the terrible twos. It’s called the fucking fours for a reason.” Yeah. Eleven and a half months to go over here, probably filled with the same conversations we’ve had for two months: “Maybe when I’m five I’ll do/like/agree with that.”
AnaSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 13:15
My minion turns 4 in September. I caught him peeing on his brother’s bed before bedtime because, “I wanted to.” He cleaned the poop filled toilet with the toilet brush because, “I wanted to.” He tried to shave the cat with a pair of children’s scissors because, “I wanted to!”
I just want a day of sanity. It’s never going to happen.
AllisonSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 13:30
So if my oldest pushes the elevator button before the 4 year old, I quickly tell the 4 year old to “hurry! Push the button too! It will make the elevator go faster!” So far, she falls for it every time. Oh, and yes, 4 is pretty much as hard as 3. My youngest was born when the middle child was 3.5, and in her adjustment to the baby phase, she dropped the f-bomb to me by telling me to “just fucking read me a book” instead of changing the baby’s diaper. We are approaching the 5th birthday in less than a month, and I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. She’s starting to become a more rational person. Sometimes. So hang in there. Only 365 more days of this crap.
divajediSunday, 28 September, 2014 at 8:58
Heh, props to your kid for using the bomb in a grammatically correct way!
ZanSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 13:36
Forget the “terrible twos” , it’s the “fuck you fours” you gotta brace yourself for,
JenniferSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 13:57
I was in Target yesterday and there was a little girl who, if I had to guess, was about four. She was being a total asshole. Just a complete maniac and I felt so bad for her parents because I remember it all so well. It was one of those moments where you want to reach out to the parents and say, “It will get better.” But instead I just pretended to be very interested in the gum display.
JujuSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 14:04
So my life. Thanks for the honesty.
MelSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 14:19
I’m aware that I’m living on borrowed time and I’m actually savouring age 2. Friends without kids look on in shock and horror at the occasional outta this world tantrum, but I have friends with 3 and 4-year olds so I really appreciate being still amongst the cider and the leaves. Even still, I can totally relate to the “I can’t live in these conditions” moments. Except I’ve uttered “I’m at the end of my tether”, yet another one of those things that, pre-parenthood, I swore I’d *never* say/do.
NicoleSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 14:21
I was just texting a friend that I was concerned my kid is a sociopath. Turns out probably just a 4 year old. Yay?!
CathyMonday, 13 October, 2014 at 18:05
hahah same thought here too…
SaraSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 14:42
“I attempt reasoning with her (also because this makes me look like a good, conscientiousness mother in front of strangers)…” I do that ALL THE TIME! I was hoping I would one day not give a shit about what strangers think, but now that I see it’s affecting you too… Maybe I should stop hoping…
SashaSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 15:01
Oh Janelle, how I love you so. I’m literally reading this while my just turned 4 year old is stacking pillows on top of me screaming at me. We are supposed to be at a pool party. At one of those houses on the golf course with an infinity pool and a “swim-up bar” whatever the fuck that is. And I’m like, “yeah, absolutely not”. There is no way I can take this kid anywhere that puts umbrellas in their cocktails. So, instead I’m checking out by facebooking and shit. And trying to figure out how to tell these people I can’t make it. The truth? Or should I tell them he’s sick. He’s sick alright….FML. Love you. So good to know I’m not alone.
lisainnzSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 15:28
Awesome post as always. thank god I’m past the 4s. Now into the exuberant 8s. I’m lying – 8 isn’t very nice either at times. And OMG the fair and evens!!! For years, we’ve had a schedule for who chooses what seat in the car each day!!
AndreaSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 16:06
Why, why, whyyyyyyyy is the elevator button such a big fucking deal? And then when you have THREE kids who want to push the button and there are only TWO trips on the elevator someone has their world shattered into a million little pieces!! No words of wisdom here, other than FML. Agreed, though, ya just gotta ignore it…that whole entitlement bullshit, because “I am NOT raising you to be an asshole, even if you are one right now”!
ashMonday, 25 August, 2014 at 19:07
Buahaha, I about woke up my almost 4 year old and 2 yr old with laughter. …..
AshleySaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 16:11
Thank you. Just thank you. Needed a laugh. Love your writing. Feel your pain.
LaurieSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 16:35
This is why I (mostly) happily homeschool my school age kids, but have my younger ones in preschool. Thank God it DOES get better. Meanwhile… I lost my marbles years ago.
MaiaSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 16:52
You nailed it.
On really shitty weeks, mine are 4&5, I feel the shame and guilt of wanting to run away from home. Remember when divorce was horrible and teenage mothers didn’t exist and now they seem to be the norm? I feel so progressive saying this! Mothers abandoning their kids because their behavior sucks and we want to think about things that have nothing to do with children and parenting. Leave the kids with their dads who noatter how much they do, it’s never enough.
Fuck a spa day. I need YEARS to undo Mothering!
NikkiSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 19:11
Apparently we are raising the same 4 year old.
JillSaturday, 23 August, 2014 at 21:19
Nooooo!!!! My daughter turns 4 next month and I thought it was magically supposed to get better. I cannot take another year of this shit! ‘Fucking Fours’? How could I have been in the dark?
KatrijnSunday, 24 August, 2014 at 0:20
I know you have no time, especially not for Dutch children’s poetry – but I think you might recognize this:
It is written by the most famed Dutch children’s author who could famously get into the minds and hearts of children and who, also famously, was an a**hole person in real life.
So, if Georgia never grows up, at least she’ll be famous and beloved by several generations of children. That ought to count for something 🙂
ClaireSunday, 24 August, 2014 at 3:36
My kid is 3.5 and this behaviour is just starting to kick into gear. thanks for the heads up?! Great post. Gah
JennaSunday, 24 August, 2014 at 5:34
I found four particularly challenging. Whereas at three-years-old, they’re just complete basketcases… they don’t always mean to be. By four, they know the right and wrong, but that’s still not it. At four, they are verbal and logical enough to ARGUE WITH YOU UNTIL YOU WANT TO SCREAM AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS. The arguing is what killed me at four. Sometimes logical, sometimes not, but always with the understanding that, “I don’t have to agree with what these human adults say and I’m going to make that known RIGHT NOW.”
Laurie57Sunday, 24 August, 2014 at 6:41
What about who can hold/operate the keys? Who holds them? Who got to (slowly and painfully) unlock the front door?
KezUnpreparedSunday, 24 August, 2014 at 7:29
Haha. I’ve heard of it being described as the Fucking Fours. I’m officially scared. We’re just entering Threenager territory over here and it is bloody terrifying at times.
caffeine lightsSunday, 24 August, 2014 at 10:32
Seriously. They centre on the oh-so-cute “terrible twos” because two year olds are still adorable more than 50% of the time so they can end their cutesy articles with “but they’re so cute and widdle and worth it!”
I don’t think an article about the fucking fours would go down quite so well. (And I’m really glad I’m not the first person commenting who had heard that expression!)
Five is genuinely better, so hang on in there. Well, OK, not immediately, but I remember very clearly that it was around five years six months (ten days) that I had the overwhelming realisation on putting my son to bed one night, that I could actually name something that I liked about him, something other than “he’s my baby and I’m genetically programmed to like him”. And then I broke down because the realisation that it had been that bad felt so awful. But, it really got better from there on out. He’s almost six now and he is not an asshole any more.
I think there’s a reason that preschool starts at 3 or 4 in almost every goddamn country in the world. I am all for formal education being postponed to 7, but childcare? Please, come at me.
Heather GuymonSunday, 24 August, 2014 at 11:46
I feel you on this. Our four year old just turned 5 the end of July. He’s not potty trained (cue judgmental stares) and he’s on the spectrum, so the meltdowns are five times as intense and chaotic as a neurotypical child his age. Basically I have a newborn, a type 1 diabetic, a 3 year old, and this dude.
I don’t know why I still have hair on my head.
ScottieSunday, 24 August, 2014 at 15:19
You are so very NOT alone. I have done this before. I birthed an 18 year old who just left for college, gained a “bonus” now 15 year-old in a marriage 9 years ago and then like idiots we decided it would be “fun” to have 2 more…. the two youngest are 5 and 4 at the moment and 15 1/2 months apart. They’re lovely….sometimes. (Let’s just say I completely understand why hamsters eat their young.) Had a lovely similar experience to this at the picnic for the school this afternoon.. school starts the day after labor day… I too am counting the moments…
JessicaSunday, 24 August, 2014 at 19:48
This made me laugh so hard I was crying! What a relief to know that it’s not just my 4 year old! Why was I never warned about this?
ShayMonday, 25 August, 2014 at 8:42
Lol! I asked the same question as to why my Grandmother never told any of us that twins run in the family? (Yet, I was the ONLY one to experience THAT particular “blessing”, but I digress…)
She gingerly responded with, “if I told you guys, you’d NEVER have had babies!”
Well played, a grandma. Well played…
JoelleSunday, 24 August, 2014 at 21:26
OMG. You just described my 2.5 year old, Jorja (same pronunciation, different spelling)!! I was hoping it gets better because she is full on batshit crazy, and now you’re telling me it doesn’t. Boo. Not to mention the craziness that is the not potty training going on here. FML too, and thank god we can all band together. I needed that laugh!
Lornadoone1972Monday, 25 August, 2014 at 7:02
I have a 5 year old – thankfully the tantrums did slow down once we came out of 4… and an 18 month old… can’t wait for 3 and will enjoy the 2 year old phase – which as you say is not horrendous – like 3! I feel, however, or tell myself, that those people watching me in public are sympathizing and not judging – they MUST REMEMBER! 🙂
LaToyaMonday, 25 August, 2014 at 8:15
“I ask her “Why are you such a dick?””
This gave me silent tears.LMBO
I seriously love your posts, they are hilarious and so true. You say everything that some of us are scared to say out loud.
ShayMonday, 25 August, 2014 at 8:38
Ha! My kids are now 19, 19, and on the cusp of 12.
My sons were pretty much unholy terrors until they were 6…and it was not for lack of proper parenting. Pretty sure it was inherited from their Father. They once again, became unholy at about age 15. Sorry…
I’m pretty sure that all the nasty shit I’ve said in my head is going to land me squarely in Hell, in Gasoline Underpants.
Never, I repeat NEVER, let the tantrum win.
LeahMonday, 25 August, 2014 at 9:51
So my daughter shares Georgia’s birthday, and they sound like two peas in a pod (lucky us)! Really enjoyed this post – so funny and true… I especially love your sound advice about ignoring the tears of frustration/tantrums when you don’t want to encourage the behavior. I’ve seen some parents “soothe” their kids when their kids are being a-holes and thought to myself “that’s going to suck when the kid is 8.” Preach on!
rocMomMonday, 25 August, 2014 at 9:55
OMG – I’m crying with laughter as I sit at my office reading this! Only because I (unfortunately) can all too much relate. Thank you for putting this experience into such a delightful perspective 😉
MegMonday, 25 August, 2014 at 18:03
I feel your pain! No one knows how to deal with that except by ignoring it and doing exactly what you are doing! I used to want to hit people who would smile and tell me one day I would miss that stuff! No I don’t! Not a bit of it!
Sitting at the GYN today singing “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” in my head since today was the first day of school I looked at all the young bright-eyed just “pregnant for the first time” parents thinking…thank goodness it is you and not me! I would tell them to run quickly the other way except it is already too late! Just kidding…sort of! You are awesome!
KateMonday, 25 August, 2014 at 21:05
Oh my god yes! I used to work at a daycare and 4 was my favorite age, little did I know they save the satanic side for parents!! I thought I was out of the woods when we sailed through the ‘terrible’ twos, why don’t more people talk about the 3’s and 4’s?? The other day he started having a fit about something ridiculous, like that he had to get dressed, and I just started laughing it was so stupid. Then he laughed too, and then went back to crying.
Real Life ParentiingTuesday, 26 August, 2014 at 4:15
This is exactly why I LOVE having teens!!! Whenever they get a lippy or cop an attitude, I just laugh … because I survived the worst of it: 3 and 4. The teen sass is a piece of cake compared to the insanity of preschool psychosis!
Happy School Year!!
CLGTuesday, 26 August, 2014 at 10:54
“I do what I want to do, I’m the boss of myself”…I’m so sorry. It seemed so cute when she was two.
AimeeTuesday, 26 August, 2014 at 12:38
WHY DID NO ONE TELL US 3 IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN 2!!! Mine isn’t 3 for two more months. I’m not going to make it. Yes I will. But seriously, I don’t know how I will.
Leslie Kendall DyeTuesday, 26 August, 2014 at 13:01
I SO needed this laugh today. I so needed this in so many ways. You seem to be very good at parenting. Would you like to take my soon to be three year old as well, because I am not sure you have enough on your plate yet.
Many thanks for the laugh and the camaraderie at a moment when I have really burned out to the point of a stub of a match on the soon-to-be-threes behavior!
JenniferTuesday, 26 August, 2014 at 17:27
I work in a mall *shudder*. As a matter of fact, I manage a fine jewelry store *double shudder*
On behalf of all humans who have to deal with other humans in public in any way, shape, or form – THANK YOU to Janelle AND to every one of you ladies replying that you are going through the same thing. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for NOT raising assholes. We appreciate it. Lots. There are enough assholes. Let that kid scream it out and NOT be self-contained, self-indulgent, self-obsessed, and other things that start with ‘self’ and have hyphens.
Don’t feel self conscious. The people in the stores are not judging you, we are too busy judging the stupid bitch who lets her kids run wild over everything, touching and breaking things and not saying a word. Or the ones who’s kids throw tantrums so they give them candy – cause that’ll make them stop and not do it again. Ugh.
You are doing fabulous jobs, all of you. Thank-you for ignoring the tantrum now, so in 20 years when they are out there in the world, their tantrums don’t get thrown on me.
MelissaTuesday, 26 August, 2014 at 18:45
Just peed my pants laughing. Yes my post partum body cant hold it in. Love this! thanks for the laugh. I definitely said at least half of those things….on several occasions….
KerryTuesday, 26 August, 2014 at 20:02
I have a 3 1/2 year old. She likes to embarrass me in public by talking about her “horny ponies”, and by that, of course she means unicorns. She also likes to pretend I don’t exist especially when it’s I don’t know….say bedtime, or time to eat, or time to pick up toys. Want to feel the most degraded you’ve ever felt in your life? Try being ignored by a toddler….
loud wheel dogWednesday, 27 August, 2014 at 6:21
hahaha!!! I thought I was the only one who ever compared parenting to circles of hell Dante forgot to write about. I love you, or I just love truth and honesty, or you, or whatever, either way I hope you survive, may the force be with you.
LisaWednesday, 27 August, 2014 at 13:39
This was hilarious. I can remember my daughter being like this around the time she was 3-4. Her little brother was born when she was 3. Thankfully it didn’t last forever. I think it helped when she started preschool at 4. She’s 15 now and a wonderful young lady. My favorite line was when you said, if someone has a better plan, shove it up your ass. LOL!
Jessica DimasFriday, 29 August, 2014 at 0:46
Omg lmao, I soooo needed this. Living with a 3 year old has me confused and beaten down daily. I laughed so hard at the elevator story because OMG I pressed the button without thinking and hell hath no fury like a 3 year old who didn’t get to push the elevator button!!!!!!!! He was screaming inside a museum and I bent down to attempt looking like I was a good mom who was trying to reason with him, and he smacked me square in the face!!! Lol I just can’t anymore. Please don’t tell me 4 is the same.
SueFriday, 29 August, 2014 at 13:12
Wow. I could have written this post about my lovely 3 1/2 year old. Probably not as well as you though!
Thanks for making me laugh after my 3yo drank all of the caramel ice cream topping because I said she couldn’t drink the syrup. Yup. Good times.
CathyMonday, 13 October, 2014 at 18:03
I love it when my son steals the nutella while I’m making him a sandwich and shoves his hand in there and pulls out a fistful before I can blink. WTF dude?
LindaSunday, 31 August, 2014 at 1:06
Well,you are a better person than I am cuz I actually turned around and said my 10 year old and “why are you being such a bitch?”
Nicole fritZThursday, 4 September, 2014 at 13:50
Omg … I laughed so hard I cried …I had one of my children ( at age 6 ) pull the fire alarm in school .. Do you know why?? Because he WANTED to see the whole goddamn elementry school be evacuated . Seriously .. That’s what he said .. And because he knew what he was doing ( while his social worker and one on one aid were right there in a room that was 6 feet by 6 feet ) they suspended him so he won me a week home with his darling self ! And that was a true improvement from age 4… Thank you for the honesty in parenting .. I am not alone and somehow in some moments … I feel better knowing that!!
Daisy MaeSaturday, 6 September, 2014 at 11:00
Dude love your blog…makes me feel better for my thoughts and screaming at times… you ma’am are fucking awesome!
Natasha BatsfordThursday, 11 September, 2014 at 17:44
We just came back from a trip overseas and we had the most fun EH-VER on the plane with our kids. The four year old was actually OK (by comparison) but the one year old puked EVERYWHERE and the two year old turned into Satan’s own minion.
Seriously, we had to belt her in for landing and she lost. her. shit.
My husband had to sit with his hand over her buckle to stop her popping it while, she SCREECHED without drawing breath.
It was awesome.
And then when we landed I grabbed her and shoved her in a sling (she was exhausted and needed to drop off) I looked up to see a women down the plane glaring at me and shaking her head slowly. Not just a few times, she just kept on and on and on doing it until I wanted to vault over the seats and strangle her.
Anyway, just wanted to give you a fist bump of solidarity from over here in New Zealand.
AmyTuesday, 16 September, 2014 at 14:55
From one Georgia ‘owner’ to another, I feel ya. My daughter is about six months behind yours so we are experiencing the assholery that is three. And NO ONE TOLD ME that four is fucking fours! Stop the ride y’all, I want off. Or as my darling sunshine likes to say “I don’t WANT to!”
CathyMonday, 13 October, 2014 at 18:00
Seriously babies to 2 year olds are awesome. Everything after the age 3 is pure fucking hell. Well I can only speak up to 4 and 1/2 years. Here wishing pre-k wasn’t a half day thing…
KarenThursday, 6 November, 2014 at 10:19
Sounds like my typical day! So glad I am not alone in going batshit crazy from a newly 4 year old. When my sons act like assholes and throw tantrums in public, I always act like they are not mine. Confuses the shit out of them when I ask “Oh honey who is your mommy? Lets go find her” 🙂
JohnMonday, 24 April, 2017 at 3:53
My wife send me this telling me to read it because we are going through something similar with our four-year-old. I’m glad that she sent it to me because it had me cracking up as I was reading it. Then I started crying because I realized my life is.
Thank you for this!
LarryWednesday, 24 October, 2018 at 16:45
Dad here. Oh no no, she does save this behaviour for me too.