They make some seriously ridiculous “parenting” products, but I have recently come across the winner of every WTF IS HAPPENING award ever made.
Behold, the speaker you stick up your vagina so your baby has direct and uninterrupted access to music from your iPhone.
Go ahead. I’ll wait. Let that one register.
And no, no I am not making this up. You think I could make this shit up? I could not. Ever. Why?
BECAUSE I DON’T HATE WOMEN.
And that it why I would never attempt to convince a pregnant woman that she needs to spend $137 on a speaker to put up her vag.
Direct quote from website: “Babypod is a small intravaginal device that stimulates neural development in unborn babies through music. Scientific studies show that it encourages communication and vocalization in babies before birth through the music streamed. Babypod gives them their first musical and learning experience.”
Ladies, it is no longer good enough for you to play music in the room or car or even buy some other music-making device to hold next to your belly. Oh, no. What you need is TO ENCOURAGE COMMUNICATION IN YOUR UNBORN YOUNG BY STICKING A SPEAKER IN YOUR BODY.
And playing music.
How does this even work? I mean, first of all obviously the woman in question has to get the thing up there somehow. Have the makers of this gem ever been pregnant? DO THEY KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO REACH YOUR VAGINA WHEN YOU CAN’T SEE YOUR TOES?
Maybe a partner is supposed to help. Okay, sure. That makes sense. That sounds amazing: “Hey honey, when you get a moment could you put this speaker up my vagina? Purely non-sexual though. Totally educational. Great. Thanks. Have a nice day.”
Maybe they figure think it should be done early in the pregnancy. But, does a fetus even have ears that early?
I hate everything.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the idea that they really think we should “encourage vocalization” in a baby before she’s left the womb, or the idea that holding a speaker up to your belly is no longer good enough.
I seriously viewed the womb-music-activity thing as the pinnacle of Shit Mothers Apparently Do That I Would Never Pull Together. I used to look at those womb music CDs and be like “No for real do women actually do that?”
Frankly, the idea that we need to play symphonies for in utero offspring strikes me as a bit excessive.
Not that there’s anything wrong with it. It clearly does no harm, and maybe even some good, but it seems like a big, big extra to me, like THE MOST EXTRA. Don’t drink. Don’t smoke. Don’t consume soda and processed foods or brie or salami (so basically just die) and get exercise and take prenatals and make all your appointments and do kegels and gain 20-25 pounds only (which is fucking impossible, assholes) and spend lots of time nurturing your marriage and other kids and sleep a lot and take lovely professional photos and…
PLAY MUSIC FOR YOUR WOMB BABY.
Cool. Okay. I failed.
Although, gotta level with ya, I had four kids and I didn’t play Bach string quartets for any of them and yet they appear to be thriving. Right down the barrel of “functioning like a motherfucker.” That’s my family! And never once did I hold any gadget up to my belly to “provide a first musical learning experience.” WHY?
Because I’m not totally convinced fetuses need learning experiences.
Perhaps we should also read them the alphabet, a bit of Foucault, and have them watch the history channel.
Oh my god we could play Netflix through the vag speaker and MAKE THEM LEARN HISTORY.
I’m sorry. But please. Come on. Pleeeeasseeee somebody work with me here.
The last thing I want to do as a pregnant woman is stick one more thing up my vagina. Midwife hands, those metal death things OBs use, and um, ahem, et cetera, perhaps we could NOT add to the list of things going in or out of that area. OMG. Ew. I feel weird.
Who washes the speaker after?
And now I’m going to throw up.
STOP ASKING SO MUCH OF US EVIL INVENTOR MOTHERFUCKERS GO HOME WITH YOUR IDIOTIC PRODUCTS AND LET US RAISE OUR BABIES.
I did play a lot of Grateful Dead though. I bet that’s why they all like tie-dye and swaying.
Pink vag speakers for all!
This is not our job.
Join me for the last Write Anyway writing workshop of 2016.
Tuesdays at 10am PST, October.
I promise we won’t talk about vaginas. That is a lie. I cannot actually promise that.