Check it out. There are two types of mothers in the world…

by renegademama

 

Look, I’ve given this a lot of thought. I’ve mulled it over and analyzed it from fifty directions. I’ve considered and contemplated and questioned. And as you know, I spend a good deal of my life contemplating irrational theories with no importance whatsoever, so it should come to no surprise that I have come to the following conclusion…

There are two types of mothers in the world: those who say things like “baby sprinkle,” and those who do not.

What the fuck is a “baby sprinkle?” Yes, Exactly. That’s why we’re friends. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Evidently, a “baby sprinkle” is the celebration you have for your second baby (and subsequent ones I imagine). You know, it’s not a full shower. It’s a “sprinkle.” Isn’t that cute?

No, no it is not cute.

Well yes, actually. Actually yes it is cute. It is so cute it’s dripping cuteness from its every pore. It’s so cute it makes puppies look deformed. It’s the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever heard in my life.

And if you said it to me (as in “I’m having a baby sprinkle!”) and you were serious, I would look at you as if you just told me you found a large elderly man rolling in peanut butter on your front porch.

And if I said that to any of my friends “I’m having a baby sprinkle!” they would know I was full of shit, because we don’t say things like that. And then they’d probably say something like “I got a sprinkle for you, bitch.”

Or some other wildly inappropriate innuendo.

And though it may sound like an oversimplification, I’m pretty sure I’m on to something here. There’s no way people can have an ambiguous reaction to that term. You don’t just hear the words “baby sprinkle” and walk off like nothing happened. You either say “Ooooooooo that’s so cute! I’m totally doing that!!!!”

Or you look at them dumbfounded and slightly afraid, making a mental note of the exact details of the situation so you can tell your friends about it later.

In other words, there are women who say shit like that and there are women who make fun of women who say shit like that.

No worries, though, because they make fun of us too. We all make fun of each other. We’re a very mean, judgmental bunch.

Just doing my part.

To illustrate, I made a graph. I like making graphs of my deep life theories. Feels very official.

You see I added “push present” to the graph. That’s because I believe there is a striking similarity between women who say “baby sprinkle” and women who say “push present.” And in contrast, the women who don’t. But the push present thing deserves its own post, which will be forthcoming. In fact, I think I’m going to start devoting regular blog time to this. It’ll be the “Stupid Shit Mothers Say” series. What do ya think?

Anyway, yes. I’ll admit it. I am among the women who would not use the term “baby sprinkle,” pretty much ever, unless maybe I wanted my husband to decorate a cupcake (as in a command: “baby, sprinkle!”). Yeah that’s pretty unlikely.

The truth is, when I hear things like “baby sprinkle,” my initial reaction is a wave of nausea that travels through my entire body, beginning at my toes. After that, I begin asking questions:

What does that even mean? Baby sprinkle. It’s a fucking shower. How is it different than a shower? Do we bring little gifts? No. You bring real gifts. Who the hell would bring a little gift? That’s rude. So why do they call it a sprinkle? To be cute? I hate being cute. I hate cute shit. I’m a grown-ass woman. I’ve given enough up for my kids. I don’t have to be CUTE too.

Fuck cute.

Why do mothers have to be cute?

Being pregnant isn’t cute. Having a baby isn’t cute. Raising kids isn’t cute. There is nothing cute about motherhood except, perhaps, the kids, on occasion. And that’s a big PERHAPS and there’s a lot of NOT CUTE AT ALL buffering every moment of “cute,” so why do we have to have embrace the cute like it’s all there is?

My God. Did she really just say “baby sprinkle?”

Now, I could be wrong, but I THINK this reaction is a tiny bit different than that of the woman who sent out this invitation:

Ah, cupcakes with sprinkles. Get it. Sprinkles. Cupcakes. Baby Sprinkle.

Oh, so CUTE.

Come on, let’s all go be cute together.

Bunch of cute, sprinkly mothers, that’s us.

 

  • Laurie

    That made me laugh my cynical, judgmental head off!

    • renegademama

      Yes, we’re all going to hell. I mean, I am, at least. And possibly you too. Good chance.

      Oh well. I’ll see ya there. We’ll have a sprinkle.

  • Leslie

    I thought “baby sprinkle” was a euphemism for those inevitable diaper change mishaps.

    • renegademama

      HaHA! this is so awesome! How did I not think of this? Baby sprinkle is baby PISS!

      Swoon.

      • Pookarah

        <<;; Not gonna lie, I like that euphemism better than my first thought.

        Which basically boiled down to baby shaped sprinkles for ice cream and stressed mom parties spent eating said sprinkled ice cream.

  • Deanna

    I’m with Leslie. It took me a few seconds to realize you weren’t talking about a pee incident. Now I can’t un-know that things like this exist.

    • renegademama

      When I read this I bust out laughing. You can’t ‘un-know’ it.

      GOD I LOVE YOU PEOPLE.

  • Momtothree

    Yes, it definitely brought to mind those oh-so-cute baby-pee-fountain-in-your-face incidents from my past. Ahh, so cute …
    And I had two boys!

    • renegademama

      Not fun! Georgia has peed on my lap. Long story. Poor planning on my part. As usual.

  • Lizaelha

    I don’t think women who know what a baby sprinkle is read your blog. We seem to all be thinking the same thing. Sprinkle = Fountain = Someone is getting peed on. Wonder what a “baby sprinkle” mama would actually think about where our minds go!

    • Stephanie

      This is true. That is exactly what I thought.

    • renegademama

      I think you’re right. The thing is, I was SURE I was going to get “unliked” and “unfriended” (the HORRORS!) by a ton of people after I published this, but everybody’s like “WTF is a baby sprinkle?” and I realize…WOW…I really think I could be friends with pretty much EVERY ONE of the readers of this blog. Do you how cool that is? I mean that’s just rad.

      Let’s throw a party in the middle of America. We can all meet.

  • Renee

    I am a subset of the everybody else group…wornen who have never even heard of baby sprinkle. My initial thought was that is a new type of baby baptism ceremony invented by new agey Christians, you know, from the congregations that flash their jazz hands?

    • renegademama

      I love you, Renee. I just do, beyond belief. Flash their jazz hands.

      LOVE>

  • mamacrazycoot

    My aunt got a little diamond something or other everytime she had a kid. I ran with that idea and called it a Labor Day gift which confuses the hell out of people. But I continue to call it that. Baby sprinkles? Yeah, too cute for me…but I would secretely save the invite in my cedar chest.

    • renegademama

      The invite is ADORABLE! Tasteful, lovely. I found it somewhere on Etsy. However, it’s for a baby sprinkle, which is obviously problematic. 🙂

      And wait a minute. Push presents can be DIAMONDS?

      Forget what I said. I’m in.

      You know it’s one thing for the husband/partner to buy a sentimental, longstanding gift (like a diamond) for his wife after having a child…it’s another thing to expect some ITEM (like a bag or clothes or some crap) from your partner. I don’t know. It’s just weird to me. Saying to your partner…”You know, you better get me a ‘push present!'”

      but if he just gets you something, like a tradition…and it comes from him…his own idea. i don’t know. that’s kind of sweet. particularly if it’s a diamond.

      • renegademama

        🙂

      • Lizaelha

        Do you think there are any men who would actually think about buying something diamond-y for his wife after she gives birth? Aren’t they all thinking, “OMG, what was I thinking agreeing to another one???” (initially. before they start loving him/her)

  • Jessica

    When I saw the word I mentally went through a checklist of things it could possibly mean and not one of the was a celebration. I’m so glad you’re here to educate us. This is valuable knowledge. 🙂

    • renegademama

      ha! yes. the big educator. Bringer of All Things Meaningless.

      🙂

  • Stephanie

    Okay, here’s what I think the real definition of a Baby Sprinkle is: I know I’m not supposed to have a baby shower past the first one, but I really, really (stomping feet and pouting) want another party because I’m so special, and my babies complete me. I just NEED another party and more gifts, and I don’t want to sound like a materialistic narcissist, so I’m going to make it sound cute and less significant than a baby shower, so I can trick you into attending a SECOND BABY SHOWER WHERE I AM THE CENTER OF ATTENTION YOU ALL STILL BRING ME MORE GIFTS. That about does it.

    • renegademama

      Why do you always write my posts better than I do?

      WHY WHY WHY?????

      (pouting and stomping feet)

      To get my mind off it, I’m gonna go register for my upcoming baby sprinkle.

      KISS LOVE YOU STEPHANIE.

      • Stephanie

        I was just being irrationally angry there lol. There was (I hate to admit it) zero skill involved on that one. None whatsoever.

    • Sara

      why would you want another shower??? i hated all my showers, the 2 bridal and 1 baby one i had. if i wasnt broke and needed stuff i would have skipped the whole damn thing.

  • jackie

    Um, wtf is a push present? (shakes head hoping it isn’t what she thinks it is). Please explain either way.

    • Deanna

      In some circles, it’s expected that the spouse/partner is supposed to buy you something fancy to recognize the pain and sacrifice you went through to bring their baby into the world…because the gift of life–prune-face alien teatling life–isn’t gift enough. (I kid. But only about the prune-face alien part. My newborns looked like Winston Churchill.)

  • casey

    i love this. someone threw me.a sprinkle i spent the entireime correcting her hits a baby shower! i am greatful and it was sweet but did we nees to.call ot a sprinkle? no. no one was showered in glitter and we didnt play dilumb games. i.did get cake though and caramel corn so i was happy. the first time someone mentioned push gifts to.me i flat out laughed in her face…some things are to retarded for.words.

    • renegademama

      Could not have said it better…”too retarded for words.”

      We weren’t covered in glitter. You’re funny!

  • Paige

    I had a previous roommate who had a sprinkle for a woman who already had the baby. so either I’m REALLY confused or I’m not part of the world that would ever have a “sprinkle.” unless it involved everyone in bathing suits running through sprinklers in the yard. which I’m totally for.

    • renegademama

      Dude. She’s totally violating the longstanding Baby Sprinkle etiquette, which was established 2 years ago by bored dumb asses in L.A.. They congregated on BabyCenter and came up with the idea. It’s all very important.

      I like sprinklers.

  • Deb

    Hee! Love this post. Never heard of sprinkle or push present…

  • Sara

    Item 1: i thought baby sprinkle was a little golden shower, so i am the worst person in the world.

    Item 2: if you get a push present, but then have a c-section, do you have to give it back? or is it a cut present? suture present? it needs a name, cause otherwise that diamond bracelet will just make the woman feel inferior because she didnt actually push for her present, thus lowering her self esteem and requiring even more diamonds to boost it back up.

  • Carrera

    A Baby Sprinkle is officially the lamest thing I’ve ever heard. But I definitely know some women who would want it. I can understand if you have a baby years apart from your other kids, MAYBE. But only if it was someone else’s idea. Otherwise, you’re a greedy bitch. You get one. And if the second time around you don’t realize you need receiving blankets, you missed the point and that’s your problem.

  • Stacey

    The way I understand it is a Baby Sprinkle is like a Shower in that the mom-to-be expects gifts, but at a Sprinkle they don’t demand big ticket items like a crib or stroller because, geez, they’re not GREEDY. A Sprinkle also occurs when the baby is pretty damn close in age to your previous child and a full blown Shower would seem tacky to the people you’re demanding gifts from. Apparently if the baby is a different sex than the previous child you are allowed to have a full scale Shower. Or if enough time has passed that “Oh my God, we need everything again.” If there are questions about whether a second Shower or even a Sprinkle would be considered a cash grab, the workaround it to throw a Gender Reveal party or a Meet the Baby party.

    Clearly I spend way too much time around the type of women that know this stuff.

    But a push present? WTF?

  • Nora

    Haha, that is funny! I do like cute things (like cup cakes.. and kittens), but that was just too much 😛

    In Norway where I live we don’t even do baby showers, but I’m sure we will start doing it soon as everyone tends to copy what they see in American movies. It’s usual to give a gift after the baby is born though, maybe combined with a visit to see the new baby 🙂

  • Dahlia

    I almost spewed coffee all over my keyboard. Thank you for brightening my Monday morning.

    However, have you ever heard the word baby sprinkle in real life? I’ve never heard this, and its so ridiculous, I’m pretty sure you’re making this crap up.

  • Leah

    I totally agree with that dividing line. Disposable v Cloth, Breast v. Bottle, Stay at Home v. Working….none of these things tell me anything about you. Sprinkle Mom? I know exactly who you are and that you made your same-coifed bridesmaids wear Dyeable shoes and now you are throwing each other sprinkles with coordinate outfits on your babies. Well, your babies have poop-plosions just like everybody else’s where they are cloth or Pampers. Cute it up!

  • Renee'

    My daughter told me to read this edition of your blog. OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!
    I was laughing my ass off! You have a gift of saying what everyone of is thinking! You have a fan forever!!!

  • Emily @ Southerners in SoCal

    Hahahaha love this post and all the comments. I know way too many of the “sprinkle” types and I get all hot and itchy and vomit-y every time something cutesy like that is mentioned. It’s just too much for me. Glad to know there are plenty of other women who feel the same way. I would totally come to your middle of America meetup 🙂

  • Justyna

    Hi from Poland! So nice to know that renegade mothers are around the world! J

  • Nunya

    Well, I think you all must be very blessed to have healthy and well children. I found your sight researching a thought of having friends around me for my third child, no gifts requested just support. I just had a baby two years ago and he died. I know this is not ur fucking problem but, I will tell u I thought sprinkle was cute. I hope that if this ever happens to u that u keep all of your dead childs stuff to hand down to the next one. I do in fact hope that u never have to experience this because it has been a challenge. I wouldn’t wish it on someone who is already as unhappy as yourself cuz you might just go off the deep end. You couldn’t handle it. So for all of your followers you must be miserable too but you should probably just feel lucky that you have your children and they are well and alive and hear for u to love. I prefer term baby celebration but sprinkle was very cute.

  • MONI

    I’m currently expecting boy #2, and unfortunately for us, we donated all of #1’s things to the less fortunate – naturally, we were not expecting a “#2”. Long story short, we have nothing. I was informed that having another baby SHOWER (especially since they are only 3 years apart and of the same gender) was NOT OK and that I should have a baby SPRINKLE instead. Yes, this is a smaller version of the shower and people buy smaller “ticket” items (bottles, diapers, etc) but I am having trouble wrapping my head around it all. I HATED my first baby shower. It was a stressful, and awkward “event”. But still, we need things and what better way to get them than to ask willing half-strangers for them. I am convinced however, that it is only a SPRINKLE if I send out invitations as such, “YOU’RE INVITED TO A SPRINKLE,” and look: there is an umbrella with raindrops on this invitation, isn’t that cute?! No. It will be a baby shower, just like the last one was but hopefully a bit less stressful.

    But what the hell is a “push present”? A gift for birthing a child out of your vagina? A GIFT?! REALLY?! No. My children are c-section babies so I guess I’m SOL on that one, anyway.

  • Melissa

    Ok, so I’ve never actually posted to your blog, but felt unusually compelled after my friend suggested this blog post. I was recently invited to a baby sprinkle, and thought the invite might shed some light on the term in a different way than cupcake sprinkles. Here goes:

    I got this invite in the mail to a sprinkle, and here is what it says “Let’s get the set ready for the star of this sequel, Instead of a shower, we forcast a sprinkle…..Not much is needed, just the basics will do, such as diapers and clothes, and a bib or two.”

    I was very confused about the whole sprinkle thing, so my husband has enlightened me – the first is a shower, the second a sprinkle, the third is a mist, and the fourth is a dew. 🙂 As you can probably tell, we’re not the sprinkling type, but thought others may find the information useful or humorous.

  • Collie

    I just stumbled on your blog today (while Googling “Parents who hate Caillou”) and have been reading all afternoon while inwardly chuckling — even shared a few poignant posts with friends. Sheer awesomeness. And, I agree that the ‘Baby Sprinkle’ and all manner of cutesy crap drives me absolutely bonkers. It makes me want to punch people in the ovaries. However, I have to confess that I did receive a “push present” — or should I say, I bought myself a “push present”? Granted, I had a C-section and it was scheduled and I never did do any pushing. I guess it just seemed like the best excuse to buy myself a rather expensive bag despite the fact that I had another kid on the way. Alleviating my maternal guilt perhaps? I mean, that bag could have bought a LOT of formula. Wait . . . I think I’m supposed to feel guilty about formula-feeding too. Shit.

  • Molly

    I just found your blog today and I am obsessed. Not in a creepy internet stalkery way. Just happy to find an honest voice out there. I am surrounded by girlfriends who are the push present, baby sprinkle, have a decorator design your nursery, make handmade sidewalk chalk from pinterest, kind of mothers. And while I do love them dearly, I can’t help but scream in my internal voice…WTF, is this what you think being a parent is all about?? Anyway, I look forward to reading your blog.

    PS. I was recently invited to a “TINKLE”. This is apparently what you throw for a third child, after you have had a shower and a sprinkle. I am not even making this up.

  • Tiffany

    I have never heard of either one of these but if someone said that they got a push present I would have thought that they were referring to shitting during the delivery. My sister in law left a push present for us as she delivered her baby. I send my kids to their dad whenever they have poop and tell him the have a surprise for him. Push present – we are working on letting those out in the big girl potty.

  • Molly Sloan

    I jut found your website and now I have to subscribe. I just got invited to a “sprinkle” on facebook and no joke, I immediately Googled, “What the heck is a baby sprinkle?” and you were the first result.

  • Aysha

    a push present in my opinion should be the dad doing his fair share of night feedings, or getting me things so I dont have to get up after pushing a human out of my vagina, hey but diamonds are nice. Do you ever read the comments and wonder if they are all just trying to out wit each other with each comment more witty then the last. Damn you witty people flaunting you sit around like everyone has it.

  • A Pleasant House

    WOW. I had my kids way too long ago. I’d have loved to ‘sprinkle’ little cup cake love all over a few other mothers. I still might do it.

  • Heather

    Stumbled across your blog and just read this. Pretty sure we’re fucking soul mates. So awesome!

  • Koby Marshall

    Hi,

    I have just come across you blog and I freakin love it!!!

    I love the way you think/write/talk! You make me laugh and nod in agreement, I feel like I’ve found someone who parents they way I do!

    Keep it up!!

  • Elizabeth

    Haha! I thought a baby sprinkle was when the baby peed on you!

  • Laura

    Coming to the party well after the fact. (Love your website by the way – I agree with you on so many of these topics.)
    I had not heard of baby sprinkles before seeing it here. I honestly thought it might be sperm or something – aka baby sprinkles. That’s what they are there for right?

  • Sarah

    So, I’m a little late to the commenting on this post game, but this is exactly how I feel about “gender reveal” parties. I don’t get it. I mean, seriously, I don’t get it. It’s not a baby shower, right? Who has their shower at 20 weeks? But then, who expects everyone to be so interested in and excited about their baby that they’d come to a shower AND a gender reveal party? Oh, right, it’s not just a baby. Delicate, one of a kind snowflake. I forgot… I’m afraid I just crossed the line to judgmental and bitchy, didn’t I? Anyway, I guess the point is that anyone willing to have a gender reveal party is presumably a first time parent; for the second, she’ll probably just have a “baby sprinkle.” Honestly, when I first read baby sprinkle, I thought that it was going to be a euphemism for wet diapers.

  • AmandaintheCO

    This blog post seems to contradict this other blog post of yours:

    https://www.renegademothering.com/2015/01/09/america-please-stop-raising-assholes/

    Because, you know, you’re kind of being a dick to women who dig the whole ‘sprinkle’ thing, even though it affects you in no way whatsoever. But eh, we’re all hypocrites in the end. Still like your site.

    • renegademama

      You do realize I had a “baby sprinkle,” right? And please let’s not compare bigotry resulting in the deaths of humans shit-talking about a party, perhaps?

      https://www.renegademothering.com/2014/05/04/oh-heyyyyyy-36-weeks/

      You gotta lighten up if you’re gonna hang here, my friend. And of course we’re all hypocrites. I’ve never proclaimed anything else.

      Janelle

  • Andrew

    I just wanted to say that you are by far, the best blogger I have seen in my life.

    Also, baby piss.

  • Mary

    This is such a late reply, but it’s so refreshing to read your blog and know that I’m not alone in my thoughts! I have a friend who has family out of state, she has had 2 bridal showers, 2 gender (or what should be “sex”) reveal parties (one for each baby), 2 baby showers and now 2 baby sprinkles! The sprinkle invitation makes me want to vomit. People like to say it’s a celebration, but they’re full of shit. It’s all about getting gifts. I can’t stand it and it probably shouldn’t bother me so much, but in my opinion it’s attention-seeking, tacky and narcissistic.

  • Tammy Hiller

    So I looked up “baby sprinkle” today because I was “informed” by my husband that his daughter was flying in to town in less than 2 weeks because her sister is throwing her a “baby sprinkle”. My question was- “What the FUCK is a baby sprinkle” and who doesn’t plan this shit? Not only that, who in their close to right mind flies in for their “sprinkle ” ???!!! How does she plan on getting all this crap home?? By the way, she’s a 9 hour drive from here and she had driven here about a month ago. Lastly, I know like 5 women expecting a baby in the next few months. I’m trying to crochet blankets for all of them. This girl will NOT be getting a blanket for this lame ass “sprinkle ” because I can’t pull one out of my ass. Am I the only woman that thinks like this? I’m just fuming at all of this stupidity.

  • tarheel77

    Oh dear God. It’s been around this long? I just heard of this “sprinkle” shit and it makes me want to punch things. Now I know how boys feel about cuteseyness. I’m a very calm and sunshiney person, but this is over the line. It’s worse than reliving my birth classes with hippies. Babies do not need this much “stuff” anyway. It just makes parenting harder with more crap to clean and organize.

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